The Apprentice: Westminster Special

From our Guest Blogger Juliette

In the light of Alan 'Surrallun' Sugar taking his seat in the House of Lords - presumably with the blessing of our political elite - I couldn't help thinking of The Apprentice.

And how much better things would be if only everyone's favourite bulldog-licking-piss-off-a-thistle could oversee the world of politics...

(Scene opens with a bunch of people in suits, milling round in front of an anonymous looking pub on a cold grey English winter morning)

Baron Alan Sugar (standing before them) - This is the pub near the one-bedroomed council flat what I grew up in, cos I went to the school of 'ard knocks and I don't owe nobody nothin' and I din't 'ave a pair of shoes till I was faw-een. And the bizarre and tenuous link leadin' into this week's task is alcohol. Because this week, you'll be organisin' a piss-up in a brewery. Team Idiocity, you'll be followed by Nick - Team Entitled, you'll be followed by Margaret. Now off you go. And at the end of this task - one of you is gonna get fired.

(Cut to Team Idiocity - Gordon Brown, Peter Mandelson, Ed Balls, David Miliband - sitting together at a table, as they plan out their strategy in a nearby cafe...)

Peter: Gordon, you're team leader - but I'll tell everyone what to do, so you can focus on gnawing the tips of your fingers off and having a mental breakdown. Ed and David, you get together an eighty-strong task force to research national statistics on drinking habits and alcoholic preferences over the last 50 years. Gordon, you go and borrow forty billion pounds to build the biggest brewery anyone's ever seen, which won't be finished within any of our lifetimes. And I'll go and spread vicious career-ending lies round the media about Nick being a paedophile, a drug dealer and a vampire bat. So when he tells Sir Alan we were shit, nobody's going to believe a word he says.

(Cut to Team Entitled - David Cameron, George Osbourne, William Hague and Boris Johnson - in the process of completing their task...)

David - Gosh, these new bottle thingies look super - it's awfully lucky that my old chum Gussie Fink-Nottle works at Asprey's these days, and was able to turn some out for us at a reduced price. I say, look at that little diamond thingy on the cork. Simply wizard craftsmanship. I must get Samantha to buy some for our annual servants' ball.

Margaret - Would it surprise you to learn that each of these bottles of wine now costs 250 thousand pounds each?

Boris - Well, gosh, Margaret. That's chicken feed.

William - Oh, Boris. That has to be the single dumbest thing you ever said in your life...

(The teams have been called back to the boardroom. They sit around nervously in silent groups, as Baron Alan Sugar comes in.)

Baron Alan Sugar - Well, well, well. Team Entitled, you wasted ten million quid buyin' platinum and diamond bottles off some old school mate who works at the country's most expensive jeweller's. That's got to be the most schtoopid fing I ever heard in my life. Boris, you also said that two 'undred and fifty grand was chicken feed, which made Margaret attack you with 'alf a brick. I'd watch your mouth next time. There's a recession on, son.

Boris - (strapped to backboard and wrapped from head to foot in bandages) - Mmph.

Baron Alan Sugar - Now. Team Idiocity. You wasted £40 billion on buyin' a huge empty brewery that won't even be completed for another forty years. What's more, Nick, who was reportin' back to me on you, has recently died under mysterious circumstances, leaving a suicide note in what don't look like his writing. I ain't happy, gentlemen. I'm gonna be callin' you back into this boardroom - when one of you IS gonna get fired.

Meanwhile, Team Entitled, you are the winnin' team - if only by default. Which means that you get this week's treat. I've arranged with an old friend of mine for you to spend the next five years runnin' the country, and getting crucified by the national media because you went to Eton and can't perform fuckin' magic. Now off you go.

(Team Entitled carry Boris out of the boardroom, and high-five one another over his supine body.)

Come on, that's got to make great TV....

J x