Thursday, January 1, 2009

The Priminister's New Year Message Translated in to Plain English

This is not meant to scare you but inform you, it is purely the way I see things and how the PM's message has come across to me in the light of what is actually going in the world we live in.

Remember we have choices and hard ones to make and the sooner the better.
Priminister in Black, translation in Blue
As we look forward to this New Year, we face a challenge. A challenge of how we build a better tomorrow, today.

Hello folks, we're unfortunate to live in the time when our whole economy is based on oil which is rapidly running out but we haven't told you this yet because we are scared stiff, and we know that you would lynch us if we told you things were going to get worse even though it would be the truth.

It will be my unwavering focus to make the right decisions to build in a world of danger and uncertainty a Britain of opportunity and hope.

Im going to see how long I can pull the wool over your eyes and see how long I can manage to stay in power before the electricity starts getting cut regularly.

This coming year won’t be easy, but I am determined that this government will be the rock of stability and fairness on which the British people can depend.

The coming year is going to test the patience of saints and we in the government are going to lie to you in order that we dont get lynched because the inflation rate and the surpluses of money and the economy are over period.

The scale of the challenges we face is matched by the strength of my optimism that the British people can and will rise to meet them. Because we’re not a do nothing people and we’ve always risen to every challenge.

You're going to have to work harder and more efficiently than you already do because if you dont you are going to starve, because the whole system is at the point of collapse if the oil runs out.

We can meet the security challenge, the environmental challenge and the enormous economic challenge.

Security, well we are going to make sure that we can force you to do what we say, because we have the weapons and the armed forces to bully you into submission and we will ensure oil supplies with armed force.

The environment, we are producing less food and we will buy food for you but it will cost you the earth, the money system is about to fail and there are going to be several runs on several banks who have overstretched themselves

The British genius has always been to embrace the world in which we live, not the world we want to live in.

At all times, but perhaps especially at this time of year, we must acknowledge the debt we owe to our servicemen and women who meet our security challenge. Their bravery is unsurpassed and their sacrifice knows no bounds.

Again I tell you you have to work hard and accept less or we are going to use the forces to make you submit, there may be a state of emergency called.

And as we meet the security challenge, so we must also meet the challenge of climate change.

The pace of climate change is such that it not only threatens future generations, but imperils our generation today.

Climate change is a nice word for oil running out, when the oil runs out then we get forced back to mediaeval times and you wont like this because we truly will become third world because we are almost there anyway and we want you to be warm enough when this happens

Again, in an ever more interdependent world this will require us to build alliances and win arguments for change that is real, fair and sustainable.

I believe we can do it - and because we can, we must. The stakes are too great with our planet in peril for us to do anything less.

We are so fucked already, we didnt realise we were in this much mess already and we will lie to you until we cant lie anymore because if we dont you will riot and there will be civil unrest.

I look forward to working with President Elect Obama in creating a transatlantic, and then a global coalition for change.

World government is coming because if we dont subjugate the world and get its resources we are going to be fucked
We can demonstrate this in 2009 in how we tackle climate change at the Copenhagen Summit.

And we can demonstrate this in 2009 by making sure that now, more than ever, we keep our promises to the world’s poorest.

As we look ahead into 2009, the most immediate and pressing challenge of all for every continent is the economic challenge.

Keeping our promises to the poorest? We mean excluding the poorest because we dont have the resources available to sustain them anymore, Our economy is in freefall but we are so scared of letting you know this that we cant tell you.

When the history books come to be written - 2008 will largely be remembered for the scale of the great economic and financial crisis. A year in which an old era of unbridled free market dogma was finally ushered out.

We have a bust on our hands of monumental proportions, we are facing a population and economic nightmare of immense proportions and we dont know whats going to happen except that oil is running out and we may be forced to revert to self sufficiency and that will mean hardships and differences in the way you live your life

Welcome to a very hard future where your labour will be needed to grow food for yourself, or you may starve

And I want 2009 to be the year when the dawn of a new progressive era breaks across the world: purposeful and energetic governments giving real help to families and businesses when they need it the most; and through expanding through the downturn vital investments in our future - real hope for that future too.

We in the government are telling you this now so that you can prepare for a world much different to the world you grew up in, so that some of you ,not all of you can face the future in a more victorian world, where electricity may be rationed and in short supply

Real help now. Real hope for the future. Both are essential. Alone one will not be enough. Failure to do either, as some propose, would mean both a longer, deeper downturn, and a weaker economy in the future.

The scale and speed of the global financial crisis was at times, almost overwhelming. I know that people felt bewildered, confused and sometimes frightened.

That is why the response had to be swift and decisive.

That is why we acted so quickly to get money into the banks. Not for any desire to finance bankers, but because if we didn’t it would have put at risk that which is most important to you and me - your jobs, your homes, your savings, your standard of living.

If we hadnt supported the banks we would now be in a financial nightmare worse than the great depression of the Nineteen thirties, by a factor of almost ten times, and we couldnt let you think that the banks were failing because that would have meant that we would have ended up like Zimbabwe in less than a year from now

What keeps me up at night, and gets me up in the morning are the hopes and aspirations of the British people. My guiding principle, at all times, is the welfare and well being of British families and British businesses.
All of this would have been put at risk if we had not intervened and simply done nothing, as some would have had us do.
This will be a challenging year for the economy but I believe, with the right policies, we can build a better tomorrow, while dealing with the challenges of today.
The failure of British governments in previous global downturns was to succumb to political expediency and to cut back investment across the board, thereby stunting our ability to grow and strangling hope during the upturn.
This will not happen on my watch.

We cant tell you the extent of the nightmare because we are still struggling to assess it but you might aswell know that we are in deep shit and we are trying our best but it might not be enough and please bear with us while the shit literally hits the fan. I may have to bring in contingency laws

The lesson of this crisis is that we do not let recession take its course, yield to defeatism, or simply muddle through and just hope for things to get better.

The message is - we take action: we are providing an extra £60 to pensioners immediately, on top of the winter allowance; increasing child benefit from January 1st to £20 per week; and helping 22 million basic rate taxpayers with a £145 tax cut. Added to that, the cut in VAT this year will knock around £275 off the average family household bill. Not to do this would be imprudent.

We are going to mislead you whilst we assess the nightmare because this is the last time you're going to get anything from us because we've been hiding the real cost of inflation from you for years, and this is just a little sop to put the most gullible of you off the scent which is about 95 percent of you so that we can try and figure out the mess without alarming you so that you riot

Today the risk of attempting too little is a greater threat than the risk of attempting too much.

And in this period of difficulty and downturn, it is also important that we understand that amid the threats and the global risks there are great opportunities for Britain. We must prepare ourselves for these massive opportunities as the world economy doubles in size over the next two decades.

We must not just plan for tomorrow. Our task over the next twelve months is to build tomorrow today.

This is hogwash designed to lull you into a false sense of security because there is no bigger threat because the economy is virtually dead in the water, one more direct hit and we've had it

So that Britain creates the thousands of new tech jobs for the digital age now ahead of us, we must build the digital tomorrow, today

So that Britain creates the thousands of green jobs vital for the environment and our economy, we must build that green future of tomorrow, today.

So that we have the best railways, roads and communications for the future, we must build the infrastructure of tomorrow, today.

So we have the right skills for the future we must not let people’s lives waste away in unemployment without trying to help. So that they have the skills our country needs we must build that tomorrow, today.

We are going to dismantle the benefits system and make you work so that we can find a way out of this mess, the armed forces and the emergency services are going to round you up and put you to work repairing the infrastructure, but we havent yet decided when you are going to face this, It could be next year, so get off your butt and do something or you will be rounded up and herded to where you are needed.

If we coordinate our expansion with other countries then the effect of one country’s action can be magnified, almost twice over.

So I want to set out an agenda for the G20 meeting of all the major economies in London in April that will help renew our global institutions for the intense levels of international cooperation we now need to solve our problems.

So to those worried about jobs, we will take every action we can.

For those worried about their homes, let me tell you that ordinary homeowners should not be the first to pay the price of financial failures. We will help people trying their best to pay their mortgages to stay in their own homes.

The worlds richest nations are going to club together to make sure that we get through at the expense of all the others.

To those who know that the only solution for our economy and environment is a global solution - expanding growth and tackling climate change together - let us say that we will work with Europe, America and others to meet the international challenges of this century - a World Bank for environment and development. And an International Monetary Fund that is an early warning system for crisis prevention.

All of these actions will play a role in delivering real help now and real hope for the future. And they will ensure that when we come out of this downturn we hit the ground running.

I am confident that we can steer Britain safely into the future.

First, because I am confident in the innate strength and decency of the British people.

I know that you are sheeplike enough to do what we say if we say it often enough and I know that you will do what we want if you want your standards of living to remain reasonable. The rest of you may be put in to work camps and forced to do public service

Second, because Britain as a country has faced down many even greater challenges than those before us today.

And third, because this government has set short term, medium term and long term challenges before, and, more crucially, have met them.

Today the issues may be different, more complex, more global. And yet the qualities that are needed to meet them have been demonstrated in abundance by the British people before.

I believe that we will eventually look back on the winter of 2008 and 2009 as another great global challenge that was thrown Britain’s way, and that Britain met. Because we had the right values, the right policies, the right character to meet them.

This is just rhetoric to make you think that everything is alright, truth is that we are fucked but we cant let you know that or we'll be lynched and then the country will descend into anarchy and rioting.

That’s why I believe Britain is the best country in the world. And the British people will, in 2009, show the world the qualities we are made of - as we build tomorrow, today.

We are using you as a test situation for all the other rich countries because if it works here, we'll roll it out to the rest of the world.

Heil Fuhrer Brown

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