Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Ten Good Reasons To Vote For The BNP

From our guest Blogger Juliette. Satire is her strongpoint.

'What the hell do you mean, you're thinking of voting for the BNP?'

This was me. Last night. Talking to someone I know. It may scare the shit out of you when I say that the person in question is a perfectly pleasant, normal, politically moderate individual, with no racist tendencies beyond a mild to moderate dislike of the Scottish - but nothing heavy even in this area. I mean, they wouldn't want to throw Scottish people into concentration camps or torture them to death or anything.

Well, apart from Gordon Brown, obviously. But I think that's fairly universal.

'The other parties are all completely useless,' this person said defensively. 'At least the BNP might give a toss about what ordinary people actually want.'

I stared at her (oops, I meant 'this person') in total and utter bewilderment. From my point of view, this whole situation is like something off Invasion of the Body Snatchers. All my life, I'm used to being the right wing one in any conversation with normal, moderate people. One of the finest and truest political quotes I've ever heard in my life - 'a liberal is a conservative who hasn't been mugged yet.'

It's come to something when I get handed the role which was originally earmarked for Polly sodding Toynbee.

'Jesus Christ. They're neo nazis. You cannot seriously, genuinely intend to vote for these people.'

'Oh, come on. They're not that bad.'

'Yes, they are that bad - I've met neo nazi BNP scumbags, remember? Back in the day. They threw stones at me. For being sort of pale olive ish.'

'Well - they were just kids, Juliette. They've grown up now.'

'Damn right they've grown up now. Into neo-nazi scumbags. Who vote for the BNP.'

This conversation could have gone on all night, but was happily derailed by the subject of Katie and Peter's separation. This topic was considerably less controversial, and we rapidly arrived at a consensus opinion. Definitely her fault. Dead eyed cow.

Nonetheless, what my companion had said about maybe voting for the BNP haunted me all night.

Holy crap, what if lots of normal people are thinking like this?

What if the buggers get in, just because they're not called the Useless Thieving Scumbags, the Old Etonian Smug Bastards or the Total And Utter Wastes Of Space (sorry, New Labour, Tories or Lib Dems)??

Did a tiny handful of Cassandra-like people lie awake thinking thoughts like this in Berlin, circa 1930???

Was I being paranoid?????

However, I always think it's best to look on the bright side. And, as I did so, I may have inadvertently come up with a new advertising campaign for the not-racist-at-all-when-you-get-to-know-them gentlemen in question (some of whose best friends are black, gay, Jewish or Asian)...

Ten Good Reasons To Vote For The BNP

1 - If we descend into a nightmarish Nazi state where every aspect of life is under rigid and tyrannical state control, I may finally get my Boots advantage card replaced. I don't wish to sound petty, but it's been three months now.

2 - If the British film industry is forcibly turned over to producing nightmarish Nazi propaganda movies, they may finally have to cut back on the Lottery-funded turkeys about mockney gangsters called things like Harry the Hatchet. And slice it however you will, The Triumph of the Will is a significantly better film than Shifty.

3 - The BNP would, and I quote, offer "firm but voluntary incentives for immigrants and their descendants to return home." Which, to be fair, does mean that we'd finally see the back of Omid fucking Djalili.

4 - The BNP would also refuse to promote or encourage homosexuality and would, I quote, 'return it to the closet where it belongs". Come in, Little Britain. Your time is up.

5 - And take that dick Graham Norton with you.

6 - Everyone loves a bit of 80s retro chic, and it's all the rage this season. Stonewashed denim. Neon hairbands. Graffiti on corner shops screaming PAKIS OUT. All together now, let's go into that retro 80s hit, 'ain't no black in the Union Jack...'

7 - Hitler famously made the trains run on time. So perhaps a like-minded dictator could work his magic on fucking Virgin.

8 - National obesity crisis. Concentration camps. No national obesity crisis.

9 - Systematic elimination of the disturbed, insane and retarded isn't always as bad as it sounds. Yes, Kerry Katona, we just need you to have a quick shower. In you pop.

10 - More anti-semitism, less Peter Mandelson. There's always a silver lining, if you know where to look.

Hmmm... come to think of it, maybe I could get to like these BNP guys.

Especially if they take me on as their six-figure-salaried Head of Advertising, hint hint...

J x
Posted by Juliette

Henry's Editorial Note

It may be worth anyones time who seriously think that the BNP would do anything to remember that their constitution bars anyone not of AngloSaxon or Celtic heritage from joining their party and that if the BNP actually got in to power Britain would be likely to have international sanctions against us like we did against South Africa when they had apartheid. Basically our economy would fall apart,and they would appropriate everything. You'd end up having to grow food in your back garden and there'd be no cheap imported food anymore. Don't say you weren't warned.

Edit:We would have to grow food in our garden FOR REDISTRIBUTION, as these are Socialists aligned along national and ethnic boundaries. Thank you Roger


  1. That should have read what 'they' really stand for (meaning the BNP)

  2. The '80s? Oh, no not that evil decade! I always thought the '70s were pretty racist, too? But what do I know? I only lived through them. You lost points by preaching the usual priggish "'80s Awful!" nonsense, I'm afraid. As for the BNP, stuff 'em.