Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Blind State

From our guest blogger Juliette

When I fell asleep last night with people talking about the European elections on the radio, I was feeling seriously pissed off about the whole thing. There's really sod all choice. They're all rubbish. And people wonder why I don't bother voting. Jesus.

Then, like the great Martin Luther King, I had a dream.

Apologies to those of you who are too young/American/Australian to remember that landmark of vintage televisual brilliance Blind Date. But the dream in question went something like this...)

(Blind Date opening credits. Cilla Black comes onto the set, grinning perkily)

Cilla - Hello, and welcome to Blind Date! And now, it's time to meet the fellas that one lucky lady will be choosing between tonight! Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a big hand for our Nick, from Nuremberg!

(audience applause. Enter Nick Griffin, who walks in and perches on one of the stools.)

Cilla ; Now, Nick, that's a lovely black shirt you're wearing tonight.

Nick : Thanks, Cilla. It's funny, because black's not my favourite colour normally!

(audience applause and laughter)

Cilla : And let's give a big hand to Number Two, Our Dave from Eton!

(audience applause. David Cameron walks in and perches on one of the seats.)

Cilla : So, our Dave. I hear you lead a bit of a glamorous life - tell us all about it!

Dave : No, really - I'm just like any other ordinary working dad trying to balance work with having a family and owning a 25,000,000 acre estate housing 5,000 serfs, 8,000 vassals, 98 serving wenches and a private army.

Cilla : And you live in a castle, is that right?

Dave : Well, yes... but it's not a big castle. It's only got 25 bedrooms. I'm just a regular guy when you get to know me, Cilla.

Cilla : And last but not least, let's hear it for Number Three - Our Gordon, from Rampton!

(Audience cheers. Gordon Brown led on by white-coated aide and coaxed into chair, where he sits staring into space with a spreading wet patch on the front of his trousers).

Cilla : And here's the lucky girl who'll get to pick one of these three charming fellas! Let's hear it for Juliette!

(Blind Date music. Audience applause. Enter Juliette).

Cilla : So what sort of fella are you looking for, Juliette?

Juliette : Well, I'm just an old romantic really, Cilla. I just want someone who's going to listen to me, and treat me like I'm special. Not lie to me or mess me about, or drag me into dodgy wars, or steal my money to get his moat cleaned out. That sort of thing.

Cilla : Let's get down to business, then, Juliette! You've got your three questions for our fabulous fellas - take it away!

Juliette : Okay. My first question is, how would you take me to our first date? And that goes to.... Number Two.

Dave - On my ecologically friendly vote-winning bicycle - and I'll give you a ride to remember every time!

(audience shrieks and whistles)

Juliette : Number One?

Nick - I'd get you there in a racing car - because when you're with me, we'll always win the master race!

Juliette : And to Number Three?

(Gordon stares blankly into space with spreading wet patch on front of his trousers)

Juliette : Okay, my next question. If you could be an animal, what sort of animal would you be - and why? And that goes to.... Number One.

Nick - Well, Juliette, I'd be a polar bear - because they're big, they're cuddly and they're totally white!

Juliette : And same question to Number Two?

Dave - I'd be a baby seal - because I'm cute, fluffy and clubbable! And if you don't pick me, Juliette, the fur's going to fly tonight!

(Audience cheers and whistles)

Juliette : And to Number Three?

(Gordon stares blankly into space with spreading wet patch on front of his trousers)

Juliette : And my final question. If you took me out for dinner, where would you take me - and why? And that goes to... Number One.

Nick : Well, Juliette, I'd take you down to the local Indian curry house where we could throw bricks through the window - and we'd be sure to have a smashing time!

(audience laughter and applause)

Juliette : Same question to Number Two.

Dave : I'd take you to a Jamie Oliver restaurant, for an ethically-sourced, nutritionally-balanced meal to remember. And Juliette - when you see my meat and two veg, you'll definitely come back for a second helping!

(audience goes wild for a full minute, whistling and cheering)

Juliette : And Number Three?

(Gordon stares blankly into space with spreading wet patch on front of his trousers)

Cilla - Oh, Juliette, decisions, decisions - but before you make your mind up, let's have a re-cap from Our Graham.

(voice over from Our Graham, to Blind Date music)

(Our Graham) Well, Juliette, are you going to go for our saucy Number One, who doesn't believe the Holocaust ever happened - but who could be the final solution for your love life?

(Nick grins and winks at the camera)

Or will you choose sexy Number Two, who looks like a freshly buttered new potato - but he'll eat you for lunch?

(Dave grins and winks at the camera)

Or will you choose our catatonic Number Three, who may be mentally unstable - but get your straitjacket, love, you've just pulled!

(Gordon stares blankly into space with spreading wet patch on the front of his trousers)

Juliette - Well, Cilla - it's a tough decision, but I think I'm going to go for Number Two.

Cilla - Oh, Juliette - look who you turned down! How could you resist our Nick, from Nuremberg?

(audience applause. Nick goose-steps out, gives a Nazi salute, kisses Juliette on the cheek and walks off stage.)

Cilla - And you also turned down Number Three - our Gordon, from Rampton!

(audience applause. White-coated aide hurries out again, takes Gordon's arm and guides him slowly round the concealing screen and out of sight.)

Cilla ; But now, let's see who you did choose! You chose Number Two - and that was our Dave, from Eton! Come out, Dave!

(audience applause louder than ever. Dave walks out looking reasonably normal, and kisses a relieved-looking Juliette on the cheek.)

Cilla (holding out a selection of envelopes) Now - it's time to decide where you're going to go on your date! Who's going to pick?

Juliette : You can, if you like.

Dave : No, really, I insist.

(Juliette murmurs 'thank you', picks an envelope, tears open the envelope excitedly - then, momentarily speechless, shows Cilla what it says.)

Cilla - Oooh, Juliette, it looks like you're both off to Hell - in a handbasket!

(Audience cheers and applause)

Cilla : Off you go, and have fun! And be sure to come back in five years' time, and tell us all what a nightmare it was - and why you're never voting for the fucking Tories ever again!

Exit, pursued by a Blair...

J x


  1. Wonderful and as accurate as the programme analogy too.

  2. Fantastic that. Brings back memories, recent, very recent and way back.