WESTMINSTER SIDE STORY

Our Guest Blogger Juliette writes


(If you don't know the songs of West Side Story, this post will make absolutely no sense to you whatsoever. If you do, however, allow me to present...)

WESTMINSTER SIDE STORY

A Recession Era Musical

By Bernstein, Sondheim and Juliette

Scene 1
(Tough-looking ministers pirouette down Downing Street, and launch into the first big song-and-dance number - to the tune of When You're A Jet.)

When you're in debt,
You're in debt all the way
From your first cigarette
To your last dyin' day

When you're in debt,
And the worst comes to pass,
You got bailiffs around,
You're chucked out on your arse!

You're never alone,
You're never undetected!
The bank is on the phone
The bailiffs are expected
Your leccy's disconnected!

Then you are screwed
With a capital S,
And you'll never forget
It's a right fucking mess.

When you're in debt,
You stay in debt!

Scene 2
(Tony and Cherie Blair are lying on a sunny beach, surrounded by hundred dollar bills and bottles of Cristal. The couple launch into a perky duet, to the tune of I Like To Be In America...)

I like to be in America
More cash for me in America
Scrounging's okay in America
Ten grand a day in America

I'm glad we went into that war
Or we might still be a bit poor
Everyone there's scared they'll get shot
Everyone there can suck my cock

I like to be in America
Everything free in America
Not called a bitch in America
We're fucking rich in America...


Scene 3
(Alone in Ten Downing Street, Gordon Brown gazes out of the window thoughtfully. Begins to sing a moving solo, to the tune of Maria...)

Oh Dear!
I've just seen the figures, Oh Dear!
And suddenly my name
will never be the same

Oh Dear
We're right in the brown stuff, Oh Dear!
And suddenly I've found
How frightening a sound
Can be!

Say it loud and I hear angry scousers,
Say it soft and I just shit my trousers

Oh Dear

I'll never stop saying Oh Dear!




Scene 3
(Policeman sits at his desk in front of a mountain of paperwork. Suddenly, a group of people burst in and launch into big song-and-dance number, to the tune of 'Officer Krupke')

Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke
You gotta understand
It's just that we've been burgled
and the cunts took twenty grand
It's not that hard to find them
Unless you're fucking thick
Golly Moses, chuck 'em in the nick

Gee, Officer Krupke
We hate to be pests
A bit less PC bullshit and a few more arrests
Hugging a hoodie's
a right waste of time
Just go and solve some fucking crimes

Right! Officer Krupke
We know you're not Morse
And we know you've got to get to your diversity course
It's just that some scumbags
Broke into my flat
And now they've gone and nicked my cat

Oh, Officer Krupke
We know that you're stuck
It's not your fault you're managed by some useless old fuck
Your sergeant is a tosser
His chief of staff's a twit
Goodness me, of course you can't do shit

Dear Officer Krupke
What are we to do?
Gee, Officer Krupke, Krup you!

Scene 4
(Middle aged man pirouettes round room lined with final demands, and full of blank spaces where bits of furniture used to be. Admiring his stanley knife wielding reflection in the mirror, he sings to the tune of I Feel Pretty...)

I feel shitty
Oh, so shitty,
I feel shitty and just want to fight!
And I pity
Any fucker in a suit tonight

See the shitty flat in that mirror there
Whose can that depressing flat be?
Such a shitty mess,
Telly repossessed,
Family looking stressed
Such a shitty me!

My mood's crashing
I hate bankers
Feel like smashing some wankers with bricks
For I'm fucked
By a pretty detestable clique!


Scene 5
(Grand finale. Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling dance off into the sunset hand in hand, and launch into a stirring duet, to the tune of Somewhere....)

There's a place for us,
You'll find it on the bus
Lose your job and we'll take you there
Where you'll wait for hours on a wonky chair

There's a place for us
Called the Job Centre Plus
Get your cards and we'll take you there
It all started with Tony Blair

Somehow
We'll make a shitload of money
And wriggle out of this scot-free

Somehow
Somewhere
Somewhere.....

J x
Posted by juliette at 21.14