I should be happy but Im not

Ever get those days when you wake up and realise that you hate your life? That your therapist makes you feel shit and that the alarm clock waking you up with its little beep and the full sunrise bulb is a portent of doom, such that you throw the covers over your self and hunker down for as long a sleep-in that you can manage, because you cant be bothered to make it to the sitting room to switch your SAD lightbox on and to bask in its 10000 lux glow?

This is one of those days and with all good ironic days its sunny outside rather than the bleak grey of winter but you carry the bleak grey inside you and expand it to cover your personal space.

On the face of it Im blessed, I have money in the bank, a holiday booked, a dog that loves me and a dishwasher and an allotment in London. Do I feel blessed Not one bit!

I guess this is part of the depression and the perfectionism I set for myself that good days are fabulous and bad days are terrible.
Where have I gone wrong in the last 36 years? Working in the NHS is possibly one of those wrong moves. Protocols, Policies designed to make you feel like a tiny cog in a massive operation that can be replaced at a moments notice MMC seeks to do this even more and so that is why the last blogpost is entitled murdering medical careers.

The government are corrupt, we know they are and so do the police but has anyone thought about asking for a general election, No... of course not because all politicians are corruptible and most of them already are corrupted. Lets face facts if they weren't conniving and devious how could they ever have made it to MP in the first place.

The vitriol flows today even though I havent even thought about this blog and am just letting my imagination run and run and to cap it all off I need to get my greenhouse up this weekend and I also need to get my sodding computer to a data recovery specialist because the mother board over heated a couple of Sundays ago and left me without internet access at home.

Am I upset yes, am I angry yes so I'm off to the violence initiative tonight aswell so that when I explode at idiots on the road in this current state, I may be able to just calmly take it as a sign that the country is literally going to the dogs in future.

Murdering Medical Careers

Right time to throw a good broad side and up the political stakes. The government are as we speak butchering the hopes and ideals of 18000 young doctors a vast proportion of whom will leave these shores never to return in order to get a job abroad in New Zealand, Australia and anywhere else they can find one. Hell I'm even thinking of leaving myself as the NHS will be a shadow of its former self once these awful plans get entrenched, but because I'm a slightly older version of a junior doctor and am rather attached to these shores I wont be going farther than the EU. Sweden for all its high taxation looks to be the best place because at least they plough the money back into social systems rather than spend it on unnecessary wars and because if you learn Swedish you are basically ahead of the game there.

I would urge all of you who read this blog ( if there is anyone) to march with RemedyUk on 17th March to protest about this.http://www.remedyuk.org/page13/page13.php

Help I've started a Blog

Guess I had to start somewhere after all, and a blog seems to be the way to go these days.
Who is this blog for? Well its based around the political atmosphere and because its a good form of therapy to sound off against people who seek to restrict us because of the fear of terrorism because that is letting the terrorists win. Why do I feel able to say this? I lost someone in the July 7th attacks and didn't find out until 2 weeks later, and I know that if he had managed to survive he'd be writing a blog about it. Of course that wasn't ever going to happen because the year before in July 2004 I had told him quite stunningly that he was going to die young after grabbing his palm as you do when you've been in bed together and saying Where's the rest of your lifeline?!

Sometimes I wish I had never said it, sometimes I wonder if I had said nothing that we might still be together as I got scared and broke it off wishing not to be the person waiting for him to come home one night and knowing deep inside that when I had kissed him goodbye that morning it would have been the last time I saw him alive.

If any of his friends had thought to phone me when he went missing I would have told them that it was pointless for them to go looking in the hospitals and leaving messages on web boards or anywhere else or putting posters up because I had foretold his death and that he was dead and there was no point in looking and that it was better to grieve there and then.

He had asked me how he would go and because I had no idea I had said that he would have been got by a bus

I did know that the cigarettes which he vainly tried to stop would not kill him in the end so he gave up giving up and restarted much to my distaste.

I wasn't far off, there was a bus bomb and I did think he would be ok as he had told me he didn't like the tube and preferred buses.

Unfortunately for me he was dead and he lay in that tube train for a few more days until he could be recovered and all the while I began to remember him more and more and think I had to get in touch.

I wont go into details as I don't think that would be fair to anyone but suffice to say he was very near Jermaine Lindsay when the bomb went off.

So here I am in the aftermath and I am publishing this to the web much as I submitted something to the BBC for his obituary.

Sure enough I had broke it off and didn't realise he was dead until the list got published but there were feelings that I had buried deep inside and whilst I recognise the need to move on I also need to write this to say that you can develop feelings for someone after meeting them just once or twice.