A very Good Complaint letter

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behavior. You surely realise it's
a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.

Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi
pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least
bit pleasurable?

Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?

- Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons

How does a Dolphin get inland to die?

A couple of royal navy engineers were surprised to find a dolphin in their garden one morning

One does wonder how it got there....

Mixed Grill

Mostly Bacon, namely Neil Bacon whose new site iwantgreatcare.org is now creating heaps of controversy.

A group of 37 doctors have got together with Peter Carter Ruck to instigate libel action against the site should it post any defamatory comments.

One could say that Bacon has exposed his soft underbelly (get it Pork belly = Bacon)

In anycase I want great care is going to be his epitaph.

Sold out to Europe

The Daily Express has finally put in to the mass media what most of the political bloggers have known for months that the Treaty of Lisbon devolves power away from the Queen and Britain to Europe central and that nothing can now be done and that our laws now come from Brussels

Where the hell were you a few months ago when the treaty was being signed Why didnt you run this story then and have the wrath of the voter being discharged against the stupid and money grabbing politicians.

As ever their money grabbing antics have been to the fore to blind us of the real reality that they are probably less needed than at any time before George the First

Apologies

For the three month hiatus or is it longer, I apologise

I have been busy trying to earn enough money to pay off my creditors, my tax bill (spit) and the other monies that one has to pay to amongst other people Northern Rock

As you can imagine the credit crunch has hit us all and therefore it is only natural that I would spend more time on trying to avoid financial meltdown rather than spending all day on the net blogging.

Nevertheless I do sincerely miss those people who do not visit anymore

Henry

The Fucking NHS Purchasing and Supplies Authority

Also known as NHS PaSA

Stalinist and bloody prying little organisation wants all locum doctors to prove that they were immunised against measles mumps and rubella

And those who cant have to be immunised with the MMR even if they have positive serology for Rubella anyway which means they were immunised properly

What has the world come to

A Mouse in the House part trois

Oh the shame of it

The mice are back I saw one running under the cupboard again on Sunday night.

Time for more mouse traps and death